News

SPRING '12 KICKOFF

2012-02-13T14:09:30Z

The Spring '12 season is upon us! The line-up for the season is as follows:

Premier Division: Partizan Richmond FC Premier
First Division: Partizan Express
Third Division: Partizan Richmond FC
Sixth Division: Partizan Richmond United
Coed Competitive Division: Partizan Revolution

There aren't any reports from the field, so it's difficult to ascertain what in the hell is going on. You'll just have to show up at the games, now that the complete schedule is up, and figure it out for yourself.

More biting, caustic, and sarcastic commentary to follow as the season blossoms . . . .

FALL '11 KICKOFF

2011-09-21T14:40:16Z

The Fall '11 season has officially begun, notwithstanding the best efforts of Hurricane Irene, and the ususal disorganization from the CVSA administration. Five squads will fly the Partizan banner for the season:

Premier Division: Partizan Richmond FC Premier
First Division: Partizan Express
Second Division: Partizan Richmond FC
Sixth Division: Partizan United
Coed Thursday: Partizan Revolution

All seasons are underway, and current results are posted. Suz's site offers early photographic essays of the two club entries who have yet to win; perhaps the work of the rainmakers of the club will be documented soon.

¡LOS CAMPEONES DEL MUNDO! . . .

2011-08-02T01:03:32Z

. . . if your world is the CVSA Summer '11 Seventh Division! And on Monday night, August 1 it was, as Partizan United defeated SU Team F&S 2-0 in the championship game at Bryan Park.

In their march to the championship, United avenged two of their three regular-season losses. The league office just released news that John Roach was named the playoff MVP, scoring six of the team's last seven goals.

The final was controversial from the outset, with FU Team S&M refusing to change out of their yellow Fifth Division strips (the same colour as United), playing dumb to the fact that their Team Mother is the CVSA Scheduling Coordinator, and they had a lt. blue strip for the Seventh Division. After the tomfoolery was dispensed, the match started.

True to their teen-aged fitness level, S&M ran circles around the boys for the first ten minutes, but couldn't manage a score due to wankerific marksmanship. As United settled in, Jerzy Grzywinski managed a long cross to the Corpulent Calendonian, who was true and left the mouthy 11th grade keeper gasping for air and an undulating net.

With a 1-0 haltime lead matters were ~~slap-'n-tickle~~ nip-and-tuck with FU Team S&M in the second half, as with the previous upset of Gus's Bar & Grill, the entire team came together with an outstanding effort to keep the kids at bay. On the tail end of a desperate clear from the 40-Year Old Virgin, Roachie's 40-yard strike at time lifted the result to 2-0.

A full gallery can be found at Suz's site. And for olfactorial rapture, click here for the season's musical selection.

PHUC-KIN' AMAZING!

2011-07-27T03:07:46Z

Phuc Do, on loan from the Vietnamese People's Liberation Army team, made the most of his temporary transfer with an injury-time strike (Injury time? In summer 7-a-side?) as Partizan United eliminated heavily favoured and stacked Gus's Bar & Grill 4-3 on Tuesday night at Dorey Park in the CVSA Seventh Division Playoff Semifinal. The Corpulent Calendonian added three precision strikes before assisting on the game winner.

The win avenges an 8-2 loss to the very same Gus's squad just one week previous at Bryan Park. United moves on to Monday night's final, while Gus's moves on to contemplate how a team of 20-somethings lost to team that outweighed them by 35 lbs. per man, and out-aged them by ten years per man. Ηλίθιοι!

From the outset, this game was a mismatch on paper, as the boys were having a hard time measuring up . . .

The Tale of the Tape

Partizan United	vs.	Gus's Bar & Grill
	Team Mascot
36 years	Average Age	25 years
210 lbs.	Average Weight	168 lbs.
39"	Average Waistline	31"
Keg	Abdominals	Six-pack
7	Colonoscopies	0
Centrum Silver	Favorite Drink	Cheap Beer
L 2-8	Last Meeting	W 8-2

Gus's opened their account with some Italian Ballet in the penalty box, quickly surmising that they lacked the skill to score in the run of play, and resorting to the blacker arts of football as their primary rainmaker. After running our boys ragged, Gus's had their tray of souvlaki dumped on the kitchen floor, as John Roach pushed a soft lobber into the side neeting that left the keeper flat-footed. After Gus's responded for their only tally of the night in the run of play, Roach again responded with a deft touch around the aforementioned befuddled keeper, and matters were knotted at 2-2 into the half.

Partizan United came out in the second half determined, going toe-to-toe with the whipper-snappers, showing that grit and determination can overcome indifferent youth all of the time. Roach again placed a laser past the keeper for a hat trick and a 3-2 lead. The lead held until 3 minutes from time, when Act II of the Italian Ballet played out, as Gus's rastaman forward tripped over his dreadlocks, bamboozling the referee yet again, "earning" another kick from the spot.

With matters knotted a 3-3, the referee, for the first time in CVSA summer league history, announced one minute of injury time. That's all the boys needed as Roachie outjumped two 22-year olds on a long clearance, knodded a lobber over to Phuc Do, who polished off a half-volley into the opposite side netting. It was a total team effort, with grit and hustle from every last man at both ends of the field. Phuc-kin' amazing . . .

A special edition of Monday Night Football is planned for August 1, as Partizan United will take on SU Team F&S for the CVSA Seventh Division Championship at Bryan Park, 6:15PM. Be there or piss off!

CORPULENT CALEDONIAN MAKES A CAMEO

2011-07-01T01:17:22Z

The Summer '11 season is underway, with three Partizan squads flying the colours in two different leagues:

Partizan Richmond FC is participating in the CVSA First Division.
Partizan Richmond United is participating in the CVSA Seventh Division.
Partizan is participating in the River City Sports & Social Club (RCSSC) Social Kickball Division.

Partizan Richmond United was graced on this last day of June with the presence of Partizan spiritual guru John C. Roach, and the boys pounded an undermanned, tardy, mouthy, and poorly-groomed River Plate squad 10-3 at Dorey Park. A 500-picture photographic rundown of the epic battle can be found at Suz's Fotki site.

Follow all of the action on the website, as scores and upcoming games are posted as soon as they pass through the bowels of the league office, whose schedule is posted with the speed of a large kidney stone passing through . . . well, you get the picture.

CVSA CUP CHAMPIONS!

2011-06-05T21:53:25Z

On Sunday June 5, the clouds parted and the soccer gods smiled on Partizan Richmond FC, as we claimed one of the four major championships of the CVSA - The CVSA Cup - with a 3:1 defeat of Brown Distributing. With the victory, the boys bounce back from last year's 0:2 whitewash in the CVSA Cup final. ~~Game recap is coming soon.~~ There's no hope of getting a game recap, so a full photo gallery can be found at Suz's Fotki site, and that's your only chance of figuring out what went on.

Partizan Richmond FC
2010-'11 Central Virginia Soccer Association Cup Champions

THE C.V.S.A. CUP

2011-06-04T20:43:40Z

The championship of one of the four major CVSA competitions is up for grabs tomorrow. And our very own Partizan Richmond FC Premier has a chance to make up for last year's runner-up finish, as they will take on Brown Distributing. Game time is 9:00AM, Sunday, June 5, Bryan Park.

Partizan stalwarts John Roach & Matt "Big Donkey" Kirkpatrick have both drank the sweet nectar of multiple CVSA Cup Championships, and they can attest to the aura that surrounds a cup champion, and how this little blue pill of competitions has amelioriated their performance, both on the pitch, and, ahem, at home.

We'll see you at Bryan Park to see if this edition of Partizan Richmond is endowed with what it takes to bring home the hardware . . . .

THE 40-YEAR OLD VIRGIN

2011-05-23T16:01:29Z

Before . . . .

. . . after!

This past Sunday, May 22, we were all relieved as the predictions of the Rapture turned out to be balderdash. Primarily, that meant that the newly-crowned Seventh Division Champions were allowed to celebrate with a resounding 10-0 pounding of an undemanned CAPS FC at Dorey Park. More importantly, the game marked the de-flowering of Partizan Richmond United captain Cyrone "Cy" Post, as he broke a lifetime championship drought after over a decade in the CVSA with the presentation of the trophy and the ensuing celebration at Piccola's. No longer will Cy be mentioned with the likes of Dan Marino, Charles Barkley, or the Dutch national side. He has tasted the orgasmic pleasure of the division crown, finally closed the deal, and liked it so much that he'll be back for more!

A special thanks to Ricki LoPresti & Piccola Italy - his generosity makes this club possible, and his contributions over the years to youth, college, and adult soccer are beyond impressive. Thanks for a great season!

¡Toca, toca!

Cy's initiation

PARTIZAN SPRING . . . CONTINUED

2011-05-17T13:46:11Z

The second weekend of Partizan Spring was a mixed bag, with some predictable results, heartbreak, and some sister-kissing to back into a division championship.

Partizan Revolution started the weekend on Thursday night, continuing their winning ways with a 7-1 thrashing of Evolution FC. Although the Revolution beat the Evolution, there's no devolution as our mighty coed squad continues to show no mercy to the divisional peasants notwithstanding the heretofore clinched divisional title.
Partizan Richmond FC Premier had a winner-take-all match for the Spring '11 Premier Division title against Richmond Celtic FC. Word on the street was that it was a 1-5 thrashing for the micks; as nobody on staff has Rosetta Stone for Scottish, the profanity-laced game report was untranslatable. Freshly unencumbered by the demands of the Treble, the Premier squad is free to get off of the mat in short order with a CVSA Cup Quarterfinal match against Richmond City FC First on May 24.
If a win is like kissing your girlfriend, and a tie like kissing your sister, there was plenty of sibling smooching to go around as Partizan Richmond United brought home the Seventh Division Championship with a 3-3 tie against Total Soccer Show FC. Total Soccer Show FC was aiming for a divisional title of their own, but was eliminated from the race with the tie. Energy Armor's loss eliminated the last of the viable competition, as the heftiest of the Partizan squads showed that pound-for-pound they are finest footballers to be had in the region. And at the buffet line.

PARTIZAN SPRING

2011-05-09T13:07:50Z

While not as violent or bloody as the Arab Spring movement halfway across the world, the objectives are similar: to roust local football charlatans & pikers from their roosts, deposing them and claiming the titles as our own while they scramble into exile. Four of the five Partizan Spring '11 entries are in the running for division titles, with the Premier Division side aiming for the Treble. Here's where we stand:

Partizan Richmond FC Premier: some advanced thinkers apparently saw no merit in rewarding consistency and actually showing up each week, so the ingenious plot was hatched to tack on a small-scale playoff to the regular season - the BCS comes to the CVSA! Well, be careful what you wish for, you just might get it: Partizan Premier 2, Lions F.C. 0. Richmond Celtic FC is all that stands between the boys and the first leg of the Treble.
Partizan Richmond FC: this campaign has been tough, best characterized by the team photo. A 2:4 defeat to Strictly Soccer FC in the First Division relegation game has all but guaranteed a trip to the Second Division in the fall. Technical Director Roach has promised sackings, uttering that "heads will roll . . . "
Partizan Express - Second Division Champions: a 7:0 whitewashing of PGFC yesterday clinched an outright Second Division title for the Express, and a trip to the First Division in the fall to take the place of their battered bretheren. The final tally, 8-0-1, 39GF / 6GA. Well done!
Partizan United: after a tearful e-mail roundabout in the wake of a verbal lambasting following a 1:1 draw against a ten-man EEI Elite, United needs only three points from its last two games to take the always frightful Seventh Division. Standing in their way is second-place Total Soccer Show Sunday, May 15 at Dorey Park.
Partizan Revolution - Coed Competitive "A" Champions: it appears that only a single round-robin was attempted in the Coed A Division, and the Revolution have swept the division with a perfect record and a division championship. Again, well done!