SPRING '12 KICKOFF

The Spring '12 season is upon us! The line-up for the season is as follows:

• Premier Division: Partizan Richmond FC Premier
• First Division: Partizan Express
• Third Division: Partizan Richmond FC
• Sixth Division: Partizan Richmond United
• Coed Competitive Division: Partizan Revolution

There aren't any reports from the field, so it's difficult to ascertain what in the hell is going on. You'll just have to show up at the games, now that the complete schedule is up, and figure it out for yourself.

More biting, caustic, and sarcastic commentary to follow as the season blossoms . . . .

FALL '11 KICKOFF

The Fall '11 season has officially begun, notwithstanding the best efforts of Hurricane Irene, and the ususal disorganization from the CVSA administration. Five squads will fly the Partizan banner for the season:

• Premier Division: Partizan Richmond FC Premier
• First Division: Partizan Express
• Second Division: Partizan Richmond FC
• Sixth Division: Partizan United
• Coed Thursday: Partizan Revolution

All seasons are underway, and current results are posted. Suz's site offers early photographic essays of the two club entries who have yet to win; perhaps the work of the rainmakers of the club will be documented soon.

¡LOS CAMPEONES DEL MUNDO! . . .

. . . if your world is the CVSA Summer '11 Seventh Division! And on Monday night, August 1 it was, as Partizan United defeated SU Team F&S 2-0 in the championship game at Bryan Park.

In their march to the championship, United avenged two of their three regular-season losses. The league office just released news that John Roach was named the playoff MVP, scoring six of the team's last seven goals.

The final was controversial from the outset, with FU Team S&M refusing to change out of their yellow Fifth Division strips (the same colour as United), playing dumb to the fact that their Team Mother is the CVSA Scheduling Coordinator, and they had a lt. blue strip for the Seventh Division. After the tomfoolery was dispensed, the match started.

True to their teen-aged fitness level, S&M ran circles around the boys for the first ten minutes, but couldn't manage a score due to wankerific marksmanship. As United settled in, Jerzy Grzywinski managed a long cross to the Corpulent Calendonian, who was true and left the mouthy 11th grade keeper gasping for air and an undulating net.



With a 1-0 haltime lead matters were slap-'n-tickle nip-and-tuck with FU Team S&M in the second half, as with the previous upset of Gus's Bar & Grill, the entire team came together with an outstanding effort to keep the kids at bay. On the tail end of a desperate clear from the 40-Year Old Virgin, Roachie's 40-yard strike at time lifted the result to 2-0.

A full gallery can be found at Suz's site. And for olfactorial rapture, click here for the season's musical selection.

PHUC-KIN' AMAZING!

Phuc Do, on loan from the Vietnamese People's Liberation Army team, made the most of his temporary transfer with an injury-time strike (Injury time? In summer 7-a-side?) as Partizan United eliminated heavily favoured and stacked Gus's Bar & Grill 4-3 on Tuesday night at Dorey Park in the CVSA Seventh Division Playoff Semifinal. The Corpulent Calendonian added three precision strikes before assisting on the game winner.

The win avenges an 8-2 loss to the very same Gus's squad just one week previous at Bryan Park. United moves on to Monday night's final, while Gus's moves on to contemplate how a team of 20-somethings lost to team that outweighed them by 35 lbs. per man, and out-aged them by ten years per man. Ηλίθιοι!

From the outset, this game was a mismatch on paper, as the boys were having a hard time measuring up . . .

The Tale of the Tape

Partizan United	vs.	Gus's Bar & Grill
	Team Mascot
36 years	Average Age	25 years
210 lbs.	Average Weight	168 lbs.
39"	Average Waistline	31"
Keg	Abdominals	Six-pack
7	Colonoscopies	0
Centrum Silver	Favorite Drink	Cheap Beer
L 2-8	Last Meeting	W 8-2

Gus's opened their account with some Italian Ballet in the penalty box, quickly surmising that they lacked the skill to score in the run of play, and resorting to the blacker arts of football as their primary rainmaker. After running our boys ragged, Gus's had their tray of souvlaki dumped on the kitchen floor, as John Roach pushed a soft lobber into the side neeting that left the keeper flat-footed. After Gus's responded for their only tally of the night in the run of play, Roach again responded with a deft touch around the aforementioned befuddled keeper, and matters were knotted at 2-2 into the half.

Partizan United came out in the second half determined, going toe-to-toe with the whipper-snappers, showing that grit and determination can overcome indifferent youth all of the time. Roach again placed a laser past the keeper for a hat trick and a 3-2 lead. The lead held until 3 minutes from time, when Act II of the Italian Ballet played out, as Gus's rastaman forward tripped over his dreadlocks, bamboozling the referee yet again, "earning" another kick from the spot.

With matters knotted a 3-3, the referee, for the first time in CVSA summer league history, announced one minute of injury time. That's all the boys needed as Roachie outjumped two 22-year olds on a long clearance, knodded a lobber over to Phuc Do, who polished off a half-volley into the opposite side netting. It was a total team effort, with grit and hustle from every last man at both ends of the field. Phuc-kin' amazing . . .

A special edition of Monday Night Football is planned for August 1, as Partizan United will take on SU Team F&S for the CVSA Seventh Division Championship at Bryan Park, 6:15PM. Be there or piss off!

CORPULENT CALEDONIAN MAKES A CAMEO

The Summer '11 season is underway, with three Partizan squads flying the colours in two different leagues:

• Partizan Richmond FC is participating in the CVSA First Division.
• Partizan Richmond United is participating in the CVSA Seventh Division.
• Partizan is participating in the River City Sports & Social Club (RCSSC) Social Kickball Division.

Partizan Richmond United was graced on this last day of June with the presence of Partizan spiritual guru John C. Roach, and the boys pounded an undermanned, tardy, mouthy, and poorly-groomed River Plate squad 10-3 at Dorey Park. A 500-picture photographic rundown of the epic battle can be found at Suz's Fotki site.

Follow all of the action on the website, as scores and upcoming games are posted as soon as they pass through the bowels of the league office, whose schedule is posted with the speed of a large kidney stone passing through . . . well, you get the picture.